DB liquids

The Sheriff sighed, pulled out his notebook, made hisself comfortable and then instructed me in a menacing drawl to… “Start at the beginning son and leave nothing out.”

“Well Sheriff… DB Liquids are like unobtainium in Europe, so my first goal at Vaperpalooka was to sample some and then I planned on just wandering around seeing if there was anything else that tickled my fancy.”

“Upon entry I was immediately recognised and dragged over to a manufacturer known as “Buttbutter”. Despite my polite attempts to demur, they insisted I try some of their liquids. Dragon buttbutter, Unicorn buttbutter, Griffon buttbutter and even Squirrel buttbutter all tasted like ass and not in the good way.”

The sheriff stopped scribbling and caressed the butt of his pistol, the fire in his eyes prompted me to continue… minus the sass.

“Having escaped the Buttbutter and rinsed my poor suffering mouth out with a quart of Biotene, I continued on my quest towards DB Liquids only to be waylaid by the latest juice company on the scene “Glantz Tears.””

“Great name, but again all the juices tasted sad, full of rancour and if I am totally honest here, faintly of piss and vinegar. I managed to decline their offer of more samples for review and make my getaway without unduly offending anyone”

“The DB liquids stand was in sight when once again I was halted by an overenthusiastic booth babe, who squealed in delighted recognition as she dragged me over to “Bathtub Blends and Beyond”. I stood there sweating as I was forced to sample Yanky Danky, Peach Pitz, Summer Screamz and Winter Winker. A worse collection of backwood’s pot pourri, I have yet to encounter.”

“I escaped and managed to neck the last of the Biotene… desperate to cleanse my palate as I neared the sanctuary of DB Liquids, only to watch in horror as the last bottle of Brasberry mint was thrown out over the heads of the crowds milling around the stand.”

“The geezers, the skeezers, the puffers and wheezers all grabbed at the flying bottle. In the ensuing melee that little red bottle rolled towards my foot, I took a careful look around and as chaos reigned… I simply pocketed the sample and slid underneath the nearest table, determined to try at least one good e liquid that fateful day.”

“I slowly filled up my magma with the vg heavy juice as the riot continued above me and enjoyed the delicate caress of sweet mint with an underlying rhapsody in raspberry, followed by a carefully balanced bushel of blueberries. Clean, faintly creamy, fragrant and delicious… I began to drift off into a reverie when another one of those cool little red bottles rolled under the table and right into my hand.”

“Never one to look a gift horse in the mouth (nor anywhere else for that matter) I grabbed the free sample and quickly rewicked and rinsed the magma, ready to try this serendipitous Sapphire.”

“More delicate fragrant Blueberries, followed by custard, a good custard with no nasty nicotine underbelly nor tainted by an overly sweet vanilla, it was almost a crème brulee with a hint of muffin. I lay back letting the soothing Sapphire work its magic as the sounds of the baying mob of cloudchasers, crazed coilers and wickchicks grew ever louder.”

“I snuck a peek from under the cloth and watched in awe as two noobs grappled in a deathmatch, each struggling mightily to possess a sample of Jackie Tarr. As the security guards arrived and abruptly halted the entertaining proceedings I took the opportunity of grabbing the bottle from the winning neckbeard’s feeble grasp and settled in to enjoy another great vape.”

“It was almost a savoury apple pie mixed with what can only be described as tea, cloves, cinnamon, slightly sour apples and condensed milk or sweetened cream. It danced and flickered across my palate, muting and pronouncing as I upped the wattage, never quite tasting the same. Previously I had only encountered this level of harmonious complexity in creations from Vaponaute. This was entrancing, enchanting and also vaguely reminiscent of Venus in Vapes from Halcyon haze minus the anise.”

The Sheriff stared at me… “Mmmhmm… that sure does sound…. mighty fine son, but what caused the explosion?”

“An’ why… why does everything within a 20 mile radius of the convention centre smell like minty fruits of the meadow?”

I sniffed experimentally and shivered in sheer pleasure… the cop was right, curiously everything smelt of Brasberry mint?

“Quit your sniffing son, tell me what happened next” ordered Roscoe P. Redneck, and so I continued…

“Well one of the guys manning the stand reached under the table and accidently grabbed me by the family jewels and despite my best efforts, my strangled yelp of sheer agony, was of such a high pitch, that dogs for miles around must have mistaken my screams for some sort of a doggy distress signal and they began to swarm.”
“Meanwhile, the staff all crowded around me apologising profusely for the manhandling of my privates and once I had recovered sufficiently, they kindly allowed me to sample some Cowboy Killer.”

“What now?” said the Sheriff, instantly suspicious of any sassy Eurotrash who dared to even contemplate harming his beloved childhood heroes.

“It’s a great tobacco style e liquid, earthy and slightly with a sweet perfumed finish of sandalwood, a little too close for my liking to an actual cigarette than the normal pipe tobacco style vape. It was pretty darn good, bubba.”

The sheriff glared at me again, “less colloquialisms boy, lessen you looking for a whuppin?” he looked mad, madder than a cut snake so I continued under protest, albeit with a noisy rattle of my handcuffs… just to yank his crank.

“Well after all the apologies and that all too realistic COWBOY KILLER, I was invited to taste a singular juice known as Christmas in yo mouth.”

“It was so good, I may have passed out with sheer pleasure, as I woke up on the floor with a circle of anxious faces asking me if I was alright? I assured them that I was but asked if they could simply leave me under the table for a few minutes with the bottle of minty milk chocolate manna from heaven. It required some further examination.

“I’m calling the paramedics!” exclaimed one of the staff as he reached for his mobile, now I will admit I did throttle him just a little Sherriff, but only because I thought I had finally found it. My Holy Grail, I felt like St Paul on the road to Damascus in a delicious desert kind of way.

“Aaah,” said the sheriff, finally something expressed in terms that he could fully understand, “I get it son, I felt that way about Cherry Coke back in the 80’s.”

“Indeed,” said I determined to agree with my captor and get on his good side.

“So what happened then?” He asked, still scribbling frenetically into his notebook.

“The largest pack of dogs I had ever seen, burst into Vaperpalooka and the convention descended into an utter shambles as vapers were attacked by crazed canines looking to rescue their poor mistreated yelping cousin… when in actual fact it had merely been my restrained reaction to the unanticipated assault on my unmentionables.”

“After four hours, three flavours of law enforcement, two firetrucks full of furious firefighters and one (brief) visit by the national guard, things were finally getting close to normal.”

“I was just about to leave my sanctuary under the table with my tentative new love Christmas in yo mouth when my friend Brian slid under the table, his face a sickly green, mouth still hanging open in shock, matched only by my own startled reaction.”

“What?” I demanded… he stared at me like a stunned mullet, his mouth opening and closing unable to form a coherent sentence.”

“What is it?” I asked him again, this time adding a slap… strictly for medicinal purposes you must understand Sheriff?”

“Go on” said a most sceptical Sheriff… still scrawling.

“I… i… it’s R…R…Raven” he stammered, eyes wide as he glanced around in fear… “he just hooked up a 1.21 gigawatt flux capacitor to a competition Zerohm 100 gallon Squonker of Brasberry mint.”

“I looked at the big Texan and asked him “are you going to just sit there and let him ruin your ADV?””

“He looked at me and together we got up from under the table and charged at Raven…”

“And that’s all I can remember Sheriff.”

“Uh huh… tell me one more thing son…”

“Uh… just where could a man get his hands on these amazing e liquids?” asked my inquisitive interrogator.

Avoid the crazy canines, suspicious sheriffs and Raving Ravens by checking http://www.dbliquids.com for lovingly crafted, subtly flavoured, downright delicious, American e liquids.

All of these liquids (30PG/70VG) were vaped under a table at Vaperpalooka on a rayon wicked magma firing at 1.6 ohms between 17 and 25 watts on a cana.

Rating: An undiscovered nude by Georgia O Keefe.

Raven: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20GHylVleMI

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The gourmand’ s guide to interesting e liquids.

Yet again, eagerly expected vapemail has failed to materialise. So lets summarise some of the most interesting juices sampled so far. This list is by no means definitive but should serve to guide newer vapers towards some luscious e liquids : )

Cocktails:

• Halcyon Haze / Gins addiction – A belting gin cocktail with hints of the green fairy, squeezed lemon, wild mint/ menthol and blackcurrant. Very moreish.
• T max / Dr Stanley Clarkes Snake Oil – A great pastis/ absinthe with strawberry and citrus notes, ecr_eu’s 2014 juice of the year.
• Vapevine / SW19 – A taste of pimms, selected fruits and a certain something make this essential summer vaping.
• Thenancara/ Shinshiro – Somewhere between Coca Cola, Frescolita and Irn bru, intriguingly delicious.

Bakery:

• Mrs Lords/ Ginger nut – if you liked the biscuits then this is for you, spot on.
• Coval / Strawberry Creamcake – a tart Strawberry with lashings of creamcake, scrumptious.
• Liquid voyage/ Lemon Pie – Like some borking madman crammed a baker’s dozen of the finest lemon pies in your dripper, superb!
• POET’s / Torte de Arnica – Nonna’s secret weapon, Sicilian oranges drizzled on a coconut cake base, heavenly.
• Grants custard – A labour of love and it shows, let it age for a month or two and it gets even better.

Fruits:

• Liquid voyage/ Strawpeardew – Strawberry, pears and honeydew melon, refreshingly fruity fun.
• MrsLords/ Seville Maramlade – great orange, nuff said.
• Rips e juice/ Lemongrass and lime – Like a grown up Schweppes bitter lemon, electrifying.

Mints / Menthols:

• Halcyon Haze/ Northern Lights: Liquorice, mint and grape madness, mindblowing.
• MrsLords/ Kendal mint cake: no ifs, buts or maybes, just a lovely sweet mint.
• Thenancara/ Antarctica: mint, sub zero menthol and raspberry, unforgettable.

Tobacco:

• MrsLords/ Rough shag: like a good pipe tobacco with a gingery zing
• MrsLords/ Navy cut: coconutty tobacco with rummmmmmmmmmmmm.
• Check out el Toro they have a large selection from Puros Dark (cigars) to Eden an apple flavoured tobacco, best to have a good look at their website or choose a sample pack.

Finally… beg, borrow or steal anything by Vaponaute.

Nicobine

It has come to my attention that a doppelganger named “Brad Kroenig” has been masquerading as Don Gourmand in certain circles. Appearing almost everywhere with an alarming frequency, he can be easily recognised by his strikingly handsome visage and of course his astonishing resemblance to me.

He is so convincing, that he recently managed to fool a good friend and close confidante of mine at a soiree that I had been unable to attend due to my pressing charity work with some poor, starving, homeless, orphaned baby koala bears.

See below for pictorial proof of his shady shenanigans.

FullSizeRender

As if this was not bad enough, it turns out that this ridiculously good looking Lagerfeld muse and gourmand impersonator has an e liquid company known as Nicobine. May the flea´s of a thousand camels infest his armpits for all of eternity!

Needless to say at great personal cost I managed to obtain samples and I now intend to slate my evil twin´s … sorry… review this enterprising young gentleman´s juice.

Nicobine is made in a FDA registered organic certified facility in the USA and so does not contain nasty chemicals. They are currently undergoing the process of certifying all their flavours.

Damn you Bradley Aethelberta Kroenig, I was really hoping to encounter some easily dismissable Diketone laden, swamp swill or some Acetoin riddled, PG heavy, throat killing, bathtub blend.

Round one to the waffle haired wunderkind : (

The e liquid is really made from 100% organic VG and added flavourings?

Yes, I know… I know… but I checked, more than once and it´s all true.

How?

Well by using a special homogenisation process and a team of secretive but hard working scientists.

FYI – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homogenization_%28chemistry%29

So… no PG… all VG and not a midichlorian in sight!

Round two to my intelligent impostor : (

How much nicotine in nicobine?

Yes, yes I see what he did there…

Nicotine levels range from 18mg to 0mg/ml, so as much as you need, or as little as you like…

You could lament and bemoan the absence of 24mg and above, but I have a feeling that Brad and the team are thinking ahead here and anticipating restrictive legislation, presently.

Damn his eyes, round three on possible technicalities to the male model : (

Let us start with the Classic

Classic what now?

Flavour… it´s a dry tobacco with hints of Virginia and some Turkish providing just the right rasp, but to me it has a hint of Black tobacco and perhaps some Chocolatey notes, this would make a good transitional flavour when ditching the smokes or just to have a dry tobacco in your rotation.

Caution: Drink plenty of water with this one, it´s dry… dryer than a drought in the desert.

Next up we have something a little more interesting, a Hazelnut Roast with notes of Coffee, Vanilla and Coconut. I could only taste the Hazelnut initially and then Coconut on the exhale, it is strangely similar to vamp vape from T- juice.

Menthol tobacco – a perennial favourite, featuring sinus clearing satisfaction with that classic tobacco base note, sadly to my utter disgust… it works.

Icy menthol Very similar to the menthol, personally (and it´s a minor quibble), I would have preferred more ice.

Breakfast blend – Light, playful, almost perfumed, citrus fruits, over a slightly creamy cereal base, not something I would normally vape, but again I am forced to admit it´s perfectly vapeable.

Citrus – It has a lovely mixed light citrus top (Orange, Tangerine and Lime) and a base note from the classic flavour. Less classic base notes and more citrus here… please.

There is a very different feeling to these juices, not only in the packaging, their website or the difference in presentation when compared to other more established… brands.

As much as many others wish to slate them and their younger, better looking version of Don Gourmand, I feel that we are witnessing a new approach to the giving up smoking / starting to vape demographic, based on how they perceive legislation will affect vaping in the near future?

“Simply the best e liquid available” is boldly printed on their labels and after sampling their initial offering, I look forward to trying the new, more complex flavours that they plan to roll out this summer.

Nicobine´s approach to the market is quite unique and it still remains to be seen, if they can earn their tag line of “Ultimate Satisfaction.”

See http://www.nicobine.com for more information and the next time you see Brad Kroenig… tell him Don Gourmand would like a quiet word.

All liquids vaped at 6mg/ml (except 0mg/ml Citrus) in a 1.7ohm rayon wicked magma firing between 17 and 27v on a cana.

Coval

There is an art to Lobster smuggling… unforeseen delays or inquisitive cats can play havoc with profit margins, and as I learned only recently… contraband crustaceans can cause chaos.

I was on my way to meet my old friend Alexei Ivanovich in Geneva with a car full of concealed crustaceans fresh from the quays of Marseilles, his contacts at the Russian consulate were having a celebration and had begged him for some top shelf seafood.

This of course meant another opportunity to enrich the gourmand early retirement fund and so I found myself sneaking through a stormy Jura national park in order to make the border crossing in the town of St Genis. You will of course remember that the area is famous for its Comte cheese, Morels and the celebrated Vin Jaune. It would have been rude not to fill my car and redistribute or share this beautiful region´s bounty, back on the riviera thus doubling my ill gotten gains.

As you know, the whole region is notorious for flooding during the early spring and as I climbed through the snaking mountain passes toward the border I came across a couple trying to hitch a lift. Sadly their car had gotten stuck during an unsuccessful river crossing and they were soaked to the skin… steaming in the rapidly cooling evening air.

Naturally I stopped and the drenched young Americans climbed in with effusive thanks, asking me if I was crossing into Switzerland? “Why do you ask?” I inquired; after all it pays to be prudent when engaged in cross country crustacean contraband.

“Oh,” said the lovely young lady, “I was kind of wondering if you were heading towards Geneva, as I work at Cern, on the Meyrin road, perhaps you could drop us off there?

I smiled and nodded, it would be my pleasure, thinking that this young couple would be waved through by the border guards with the briefest of inspections and I could the sail on through to my rendezvous with the Russian, it is after all, better to be born lucky… than rich.

After some small talk… the man pulled out a 60w IPV topped with a magma v2 and asked me politely if I minded that he vaped? “Only if we share” said I and as we came into the town of St Genis he passed his boxmod over to me and I experienced a familiar yet altogether different vape.

It tasted not unlike Vapevine’s SW19 yet it was even more subtle… less fruity and more like a greenish tea with what seemed like a honeyed rice pudding or that sticky rice for dessert that you find in good Thai restaurants. “Mmm very moreish, what is it?” I asked, as I do like a good slightly savoury vape. “Good, huh, that’s Coval’s Discovery, it’s one of my favourites and seems to pair nicely with almost anything” came the reply.

We pulled up to the border and grabbed our passports for the approaching guard’s scrutiny, passing through without incident other than a brief conversation regarding a small package that he quickly tucked into his tunic. Playing it cool in a most unsuccessful manner as we pulled away, I demanded of the young hitchhiker, just what the hell he was doing bribing border guards?

“Not bribing” said the lovely young scientist from the back seat, “we give him some e liquids once a month and he in turn; gives us mushrooms, cheese and wine in return.” My greedy little ears pricked up at the mention of these delicacies so readily available we found ourselves in the car park at Cern before I found the right tone to ask for an introduction.

“Would you like a quick tour?” asked the young scientist as they alighted from my car, “actually” I said determined to get the number of this border guard with exotic delights to trade, “that would be great.” “You should really try this juice too” said the young man screwing yet another magma onto the IPV. I sampled yet another luscious e liquid.

It was called Crunchberry and it tasted exactly like one of those sweet breakfast cereals with blueberries/huckleberries or even Snozzberries that Quakers and young children seem to love so much, I almost reached for a bowl and spoon. Not something I would normally vape, but it really was especially good. Its aroma entranced me momentarily, reminding me of Saturday morning cartoons.

I managed a quick nod of assent as I vaped away like like RipTrippers after a month’s sabbatical and the young Americans grabbed up their bags. They brought me through to the visitor’s centre where the young lady left her partner and I to wander around, learning about the search to learn more about our universe and marvelling at the mighty feats of engineering that had made it all possible.

“It’s ironic” said the young man, “here we are stealth vaping on some Texan e liquids inside Cern, as the Texans tried to build another super collider in Waxahachie, sadly it was cancelled in the mid 1990’s…damn shame”. “Indeed” I spluttered, watching in quiet horror as the largest lobster I had ever seen crawled out of his satchel and disappeared through an open door.

“Eeh…hhhhhave you any more of those delicious liquids” I asked desperate to distract him as my tiny mind went into overdrive, wondering how on earth I was going to solve this particular problem.

“Sure… let me just get one out of my bag”, I held my breath praying that it was not concealing any more marine animals, but what was left of my luck held and he popped up with some Lime Margarita. I silently prayed it contained real tequila as I really needed something to calm my nerves.

Sadly it did not, and I could now feel the cold sweat dripping down my back.

It did however, taste like the real thing, sweet lime, earthy tequila notes, it even included a pinch of salt and I must have enjoyed it, as the nice American refilled it three times before he shook an empty bottle at me with a big grin.

“Eeh… would you excuse me a moment, I need to… erm visit the facilities” I said. “Of course down the corridor and it’s the second door on your left” he replied. I spent the next 5 minutes frantically searching for escaped crustaceans before I simply had to return, so as not to arouse suspicion. Over the next half an hour I sat sweating profusely as we vaped on another inspired e liquid called Churro.

This Churro was a really good bakery vape, it tasted like the long fried cinnamon pastries that I had often enjoyed in the backstreets of Madrid for breakfast, thankfully without the burnt oily fingers and gloopy hot chocolate. Had it contained a little less cinnamon, I would have stolen the bottle.

Before I could make my excuses and leave, we sampled another juice called Strawberry Creamcake which was very interesting. Not unlike Mrs Lords Victoria sandwich but a lot more cakey and with a tart strawberry jam in the mix, normally I prefer raspberry fillings when it comes to cakes but this was tasty.

It was getting late and my nerves were shot, it was only a matter of time before the lobster was discovered and my car searched, I needed to get to Geneva quickly and conclude the deal with Alexei. I managed to weasel the gourmet border guard´s telephone number out of my kindly vaping host and just as I was leaving he insisted on giving me a bottle of Area 51 to try on my journey.

Filling my lemo to the brim with trembling hands and enveloped the car with fog, I enjoyed a very mild pipe tobacco tasting of sun ripened raisins with hints of cinnamon, grape and a most mysterious something else that tantalised my tastebuds, followed by a touch of koolada on the exhale. It was vaguely reminiscent of Drops American Luxury but without the ginger.

I finally made it to the Geneva rendezvous with Alexei. After haggling for a meagre 120% margin, I left Switzerland without incident, stopping only to refill my lemo with more Area 51 to help calm my shattered nerves.

Several weeks later while enjoying a sojourn in southern Spain, I received the following email:

Hi Don,
Thanks for the lift to Cern, you missed the most amazing thing ever. Shortly after you left they made history in the large Hadron Collider. Shame you missed it, it seems that the reason the scientists could not find the Higgs boson in previous tests was that they were missing a catalyst. So far my wife and the rest of the scientists are still puzzling over what exactly was in there, but whatever it was… it has led to a major scientific breakthrough?
It looks like they are nominee´s for a Nobel Prize in Physics. If you had not been kind enough to pick us up that night, she would have missed out.
Thank you for everything and we hope you enjoyed the Coval e liquids?
Regards,
Nathan.

Avoid curious contraband crustaceans, bribing border guards for gourmet delicacies and simply check out http://www.cloudhousevapor.com for some tasty Texan treats. Use the code: cloudhousevapor for a 10% discount on all vaping hardware and e liquids.

Rating: an original Elizabeth Boatwright.

All liquids 70VG¬/30PG enjoyed in a magma V2, wicked with Japanese cotton, firing at 1.1 ohms, on an IPV 60 at 22 watts.

Cern: http://home.web.cern.ch/

The Jura: http://www.france.fr/en/regions-and-cities/rhone-alpes.html