The Sheriff sighed, pulled out his notebook, made hisself comfortable and then instructed me in a menacing drawl to… “Start at the beginning son and leave nothing out.”
“Well Sheriff… DB Liquids are like unobtainium in Europe, so my first goal at Vaperpalooka was to sample some and then I planned on just wandering around seeing if there was anything else that tickled my fancy.”
“Upon entry I was immediately recognised and dragged over to a manufacturer known as “Buttbutter”. Despite my polite attempts to demur, they insisted I try some of their liquids. Dragon buttbutter, Unicorn buttbutter, Griffon buttbutter and even Squirrel buttbutter all tasted like ass and not in the good way.”
The sheriff stopped scribbling and caressed the butt of his pistol, the fire in his eyes prompted me to continue… minus the sass.
“Having escaped the Buttbutter and rinsed my poor suffering mouth out with a quart of Biotene, I continued on my quest towards DB Liquids only to be waylaid by the latest juice company on the scene “Glantz Tears.””
“Great name, but again all the juices tasted sad, full of rancour and if I am totally honest here, faintly of piss and vinegar. I managed to decline their offer of more samples for review and make my getaway without unduly offending anyone”
“The DB liquids stand was in sight when once again I was halted by an overenthusiastic booth babe, who squealed in delighted recognition as she dragged me over to “Bathtub Blends and Beyond”. I stood there sweating as I was forced to sample Yanky Danky, Peach Pitz, Summer Screamz and Winter Winker. A worse collection of backwood’s pot pourri, I have yet to encounter.”
“I escaped and managed to neck the last of the Biotene… desperate to cleanse my palate as I neared the sanctuary of DB Liquids, only to watch in horror as the last bottle of Brasberry mint was thrown out over the heads of the crowds milling around the stand.”
“The geezers, the skeezers, the puffers and wheezers all grabbed at the flying bottle. In the ensuing melee that little red bottle rolled towards my foot, I took a careful look around and as chaos reigned… I simply pocketed the sample and slid underneath the nearest table, determined to try at least one good e liquid that fateful day.”
“I slowly filled up my magma with the vg heavy juice as the riot continued above me and enjoyed the delicate caress of sweet mint with an underlying rhapsody in raspberry, followed by a carefully balanced bushel of blueberries. Clean, faintly creamy, fragrant and delicious… I began to drift off into a reverie when another one of those cool little red bottles rolled under the table and right into my hand.”
“Never one to look a gift horse in the mouth (nor anywhere else for that matter) I grabbed the free sample and quickly rewicked and rinsed the magma, ready to try this serendipitous Sapphire.”
“More delicate fragrant Blueberries, followed by custard, a good custard with no nasty nicotine underbelly nor tainted by an overly sweet vanilla, it was almost a crème brulee with a hint of muffin. I lay back letting the soothing Sapphire work its magic as the sounds of the baying mob of cloudchasers, crazed coilers and wickchicks grew ever louder.”
“I snuck a peek from under the cloth and watched in awe as two noobs grappled in a deathmatch, each struggling mightily to possess a sample of Jackie Tarr. As the security guards arrived and abruptly halted the entertaining proceedings I took the opportunity of grabbing the bottle from the winning neckbeard’s feeble grasp and settled in to enjoy another great vape.”
“It was almost a savoury apple pie mixed with what can only be described as tea, cloves, cinnamon, slightly sour apples and condensed milk or sweetened cream. It danced and flickered across my palate, muting and pronouncing as I upped the wattage, never quite tasting the same. Previously I had only encountered this level of harmonious complexity in creations from Vaponaute. This was entrancing, enchanting and also vaguely reminiscent of Venus in Vapes from Halcyon haze minus the anise.”
The Sheriff stared at me… “Mmmhmm… that sure does sound…. mighty fine son, but what caused the explosion?”
“An’ why… why does everything within a 20 mile radius of the convention centre smell like minty fruits of the meadow?”
I sniffed experimentally and shivered in sheer pleasure… the cop was right, curiously everything smelt of Brasberry mint?
“Quit your sniffing son, tell me what happened next” ordered Roscoe P. Redneck, and so I continued…
“Well one of the guys manning the stand reached under the table and accidently grabbed me by the family jewels and despite my best efforts, my strangled yelp of sheer agony, was of such a high pitch, that dogs for miles around must have mistaken my screams for some sort of a doggy distress signal and they began to swarm.”
“Meanwhile, the staff all crowded around me apologising profusely for the manhandling of my privates and once I had recovered sufficiently, they kindly allowed me to sample some Cowboy Killer.”
“What now?” said the Sheriff, instantly suspicious of any sassy Eurotrash who dared to even contemplate harming his beloved childhood heroes.
“It’s a great tobacco style e liquid, earthy and slightly with a sweet perfumed finish of sandalwood, a little too close for my liking to an actual cigarette than the normal pipe tobacco style vape. It was pretty darn good, bubba.”
The sheriff glared at me again, “less colloquialisms boy, lessen you looking for a whuppin?” he looked mad, madder than a cut snake so I continued under protest, albeit with a noisy rattle of my handcuffs… just to yank his crank.
“Well after all the apologies and that all too realistic COWBOY KILLER, I was invited to taste a singular juice known as Christmas in yo mouth.”
“It was so good, I may have passed out with sheer pleasure, as I woke up on the floor with a circle of anxious faces asking me if I was alright? I assured them that I was but asked if they could simply leave me under the table for a few minutes with the bottle of minty milk chocolate manna from heaven. It required some further examination.
“I’m calling the paramedics!” exclaimed one of the staff as he reached for his mobile, now I will admit I did throttle him just a little Sherriff, but only because I thought I had finally found it. My Holy Grail, I felt like St Paul on the road to Damascus in a delicious desert kind of way.
“Aaah,” said the sheriff, finally something expressed in terms that he could fully understand, “I get it son, I felt that way about Cherry Coke back in the 80’s.”
“Indeed,” said I determined to agree with my captor and get on his good side.
“So what happened then?” He asked, still scribbling frenetically into his notebook.
“The largest pack of dogs I had ever seen, burst into Vaperpalooka and the convention descended into an utter shambles as vapers were attacked by crazed canines looking to rescue their poor mistreated yelping cousin… when in actual fact it had merely been my restrained reaction to the unanticipated assault on my unmentionables.”
“After four hours, three flavours of law enforcement, two firetrucks full of furious firefighters and one (brief) visit by the national guard, things were finally getting close to normal.”
“I was just about to leave my sanctuary under the table with my tentative new love Christmas in yo mouth when my friend Brian slid under the table, his face a sickly green, mouth still hanging open in shock, matched only by my own startled reaction.”
“What?” I demanded… he stared at me like a stunned mullet, his mouth opening and closing unable to form a coherent sentence.”
“What is it?” I asked him again, this time adding a slap… strictly for medicinal purposes you must understand Sheriff?”
“Go on” said a most sceptical Sheriff… still scrawling.
“I… i… it’s R…R…Raven” he stammered, eyes wide as he glanced around in fear… “he just hooked up a 1.21 gigawatt flux capacitor to a competition Zerohm 100 gallon Squonker of Brasberry mint.”
“I looked at the big Texan and asked him “are you going to just sit there and let him ruin your ADV?””
“He looked at me and together we got up from under the table and charged at Raven…”
“And that’s all I can remember Sheriff.”
“Uh huh… tell me one more thing son…”
“Uh… just where could a man get his hands on these amazing e liquids?” asked my inquisitive interrogator.
Avoid the crazy canines, suspicious sheriffs and Raving Ravens by checking http://www.dbliquids.com for lovingly crafted, subtly flavoured, downright delicious, American e liquids.
All of these liquids (30PG/70VG) were vaped under a table at Vaperpalooka on a rayon wicked magma firing at 1.6 ohms between 17 and 25 watts on a cana.
Rating: An undiscovered nude by Georgia O Keefe.