Grants Custard, a love story

Have you ever been in Love? Truly smitten, head over heels even?

If so you will have experienced the highs that leave you with a new
found appreciation for such things as a birdsong and the unexpected
fragrance of an orange tree in full bloom.

Well that was the case when cupids arrows hit both myself and the
pulchritudinous Gertrude fairly recently. We met at one of those work
things, our eyes met across the crowded reception and since then I
have been quite unable to think of anyone or indeed anything else,
life became one long tango for two until she invited me round to meet
her family.

I wore my best jacket and tie but had forgotten the package of e
liquid that had arrived by first class post on Friday, so I hid the
protruding bulge in my pocket with a carefully draped scarf.

Well as it turned out, there was only herself and her mother, her
father having passed away last year from lung cancer, a lifelong
smoker, the gaspers killed him, at the tender age of only 55.

It turned out that Mrs Sniffington-Muchly had been watching entirely
too many cooking shows and in honour of her daughter’s new man had
decided to try something special.

We started with what is commonly known as prawn or shrimp cocktail but
this was unlike anything I had ever tried before, the seafood was
rubbery and tasted like used fishy chewing gum swimming in an
insipid infusion.

As she and the lovely Trude left to bring out the main course, I
whipped out my trusty vape and within seconds was puffing away on
Grant’s Custard standard mix. Oh sweet, divine, ambrosial rapture,
words fail me every time I try to describe the indescribable richness
and wholesome simplicity that a good custard e liquid brings to the even
the most casual of vapers.

My tongue had by now recovered, I thought I was ready, but honestly
have you ever even heard of, let alone been forced to eat Tripe a la
Banana?

I sweated profusely, grinning madly whilst making polite conversation with
the chef from hell and her beautiful daughter, forking tripey bananas
down my gullet and praying for this ordeal to end.

Once again they disappeared to fetch pudding as I refilled my vape
with Grants Custard VG mix and inhaled frantically for a full five minutes on
what can only be described as eggy, vanilla nectar. My stomach calmed
instantly, my taste-buds tingled with pleasure as my heart rate
dropped to medically safe levels.

Gooseberry, Rhubarb and sour Lemon crumble was for dessert, an unholy
trio of three of the most acidic fruits known to man or indeed woman
kind.

What made this grand finale excruciatingly painful was the omission of
custard, “after all” piped up Gertie’s old dear upon my polite enquiry
as to where the custard was hiding, “one must watch ones figure”.

“Delicious! was all I managed before I bolted to the little boys room
where I uncapped my last bottle of Grants Custard and vaped 30mls of pure VG
custard straight, without so much as a pause for oxygen. *NB – do not
try this at home.

Almost fainting as the saliva ran down my chin and puddled on the
floor as the sublime sensations of sweet custard flooded my senses and
by some miracle even restored my ph levels.

I opened a window and washed my hands and rejoined the love of my life
at the table. Where I was confronted by fresh dessert.

“Well you did finish the first bowl rather quickly my dear boy” she said
with a terrifying glint in her eye…

I manfully struggled through the second bowl as the taste of Grants
Custard
lingered in my mouth which mercifully enabled me to survive
this conniving cooks culinary torture…

But I must confess that subsequently I have never, ever ventured forth
for dinner again, without at least 2 or 3 bottles of the 6mg/ml Grants
Custard e liquid.

Rating: a first edition Beatles album in mint condition.

A life saving, mouth watering, relationship enabler, a superb e liquid free of all life
threatening chemicals that one should always have on hand lest you
suffer the direst of consequences.

For more information on why it always arrives pre steeped, when you
can get your hands on the next batch and who makes it please visit:
http://www.grantsvanillacustard.com

Premium European E liquid – Mrs Lords

The vanishing liquids of Mrs Lords.

It was an unusually warm October afternoon as I left London and pootled down to Mrs Lord’s country estate. One of the smaller stately piles, it must be said, but set in one of the most picturesque parts of this green and pleasant land.

Arriving a little before dusk I parked up and was greeted by Smythe, I feel I must confess I have never really taken to their man, nor he to me, but maintaining an air of civility he showed upstairs to the east wing.

“The pink suite sir” he said with a hint of a smirk and I suppose that’s where it all started really, upon mature recollection. “Thank you Smythe” I replied barely managing to keep the snap out of my voice, “that will be all”.

“Dinner at 8 sir, cocktails at 7.30 in the Rangoon room.” responded Smythe

I unpacked, took a leisurely bath and then joined the rest of the guests for an aperitif.

It was the usual crowd you meet at country houses the length and breadth of Britain on any given weekend, the city types desperate to escape the hustle and bustle, a relative or two, the inevitable wild bore and our hostess, the darling Mrs Lord.

Dinner was uneventful except for the wild bores incessant drone about Westminister politics and Smythe’s determination to spill a variety of foodstuffs and fine wines about my person.

After dinner whilst enjoying a brandy in the library, Mr Lord directed the insufferable Smythe to produce a small bottle of the most marvellous elixir from a locked mahogany box, Smythe then proceeded to fill our tanks as our host urged us all to try a puff or two and so we did, after all… it would have been rude not too.

“Well”, said our convivial host “what do you think?”

“Top notch” said I with a practiced wink and a nod, while cousin Rupert agreed, “not bad at all old boy” chimed his brother Freddy draining his glass and gazing hopefully towards Smythe for another snifter, “Splendid” blathered the bore, “reminds me of the time I shared a cigar from Mountbatten’s private reserve with the Duke of Edinburgh and Fidel Castro whilst fishing with the Earl of Glenbegly.”

Well he may have been a world class lick and a dreadful bore to boot, but the man had a point, it was simply superb this Navy Cut eliquid was better then any tobacco I had ever had occasion to puff. It tasted of the West Indies, coconutty with notes of a dark cocoa and perhaps a bit of spiced rum that paired rather well with the brandy, it warmed the very cockles. Plenty of tobacco too, best with a strong spirit.

“Indeed” said the host, motioning to the lurking butler, “bring us the Rough Shag and the decanter of the reserve, what the hell chaps, one only lives once… what?”

Amidst the hear hears, what whats and the well dones, Smythe returned with a silver salver laden with brimming brandies and yet another rather special e liquid. The old trout filled our tanks yet again. This time the taste was a milder tobacco, a drier more mellow vape almost reminiscent of a good pipe but with a zing, ginger but more of the root than the stem if I’m not mistaken. I’m afraid to say I may have been slightly distracted as the butler did his utmost to redecorate my evening jacket once more. Were it not for an adroit manoeuvre to the right, the brandy spilt on the antimacassar might have been all over me, a fact immediately remarked upon by our eagle eyed host.

“I say Smythe. do have a care, send that to Mrs Havercroft and ensure its properly soaked before washing.” Said Mr Lord as we all vaped contentedly on this rough shag and I attempted to conceal my delight at his public chastisement.

Smythe apologised and with a baleful glare in my direction exited the library before he could ruin my mood or indeed my tailoring any further.

Sipping at the vintage cognac and vaping away at yet another exquisite e juice we talked and chatted until the early hours, it really was the most convivial of gatherings enhanced only by the luscious e liquids.

After the fire had died down, we all retired for the evening and as I trudged alone up the east wing stairs, I resolved to have a bit of sport at the ghastly Smythe’s expense.

I say that now, but foremost in my mind was really the desire to sample the other bottles that lay unopened in that mysterious box of assorted vaping elixirs.

Slipping off my shoes I trotted back downstairs and slipped quietly into the library, using the corkscrew attachment on my pocket knife I opened up that little mahogany box and removed the other 4 bottles of e liquid that I found therein.

Locking it once again, I closed the door behind me and scampered upstairs and into the bloody pink suite, firmly locking the door behind me.

I opened the window, slipped into my vaping jacket and poured myself another snifter from my private reserve and ensconcing myself in a comfortable chair beside the fire I proceeded to sample the remaining 4 bottles until dawn.

First up was Gingernut something between a biscuit and the celebrated cake that of late has been enjoying a bit of a revival. Was it the stem or root this time, I really couldn’t say, as it had both a biscuity and buttery cake finish. It filled the room with aromas of my childhood, so much so, that I hastened to stuff a towel under the door lest any passing servants should smell my sins and ruin my enjoyment of yet another splendid vape.

My greedy little fingers grasped another bottle and twisted off the cork before I had even finished the last of the Gingernut and immediately my nose twitched as the smell of raspberry sponge filled my nostrils.

Oh hello, I thought to myself, we are in for a treat here, my word it was just like eating a Victoria sandwich, homemade rather than that shop bought muck everyone seems to produce at afternoon tea these days. I enjoyed a tank and then poured the remainder of the e liquid into an empty bottle that had been rattling around in my washbag for yonks, this dessert vape would certainly be a rare Sunday evening treat, best enjoyed alone in the comfort and safety of my own home.

Imagine my surprise when the very next bottle contained what can only be described as Spotted dick, a taste the instantly transported me back to my schooldays. Pudding every Friday was that custard covered sponge filled with raisins and we always fought amongst ourselves for seconds, pleading and in some cases in outright bribing the poor cook for just a little more. Filthy urchins that we were! I vaped two tanks in the blink of an eye and forced my trembling hands to pour the bottle into a hastily emptied and well rinsed bottle of mouthwash so it could join the Victoria sandwich in my washbag for future vaping.

I heard the cock crow as dawn was breaking and decided to try the last bottle, what the hell, might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb, I reasoned. The room was a little foggy so I opened the window a little more and filling up my tank enjoyed mint, buckets of sweet sugary peppermint invaded my senses, better than any Kendal mint cake, holey mints or even those of the curiously strong variety.

I am ashamed to say, I vaped the lot, there and then, all of it, without a scintilla of guilt, after all it would have been rude not too, no really, all things considered.

It was then my own particular Eureka moment struck, although thankfully without the sloshing of dirty bathwater. Checking that the coast was clear I slid down the curving banisters, swept back into the Library and replaced the empty bottles remembering to lock the wooden box up tight before returning to my bed.

That will teach the beastly Smythe I thought to myself as I slipped into the arms of Morpheus as contented as any vaper could be.

I awoke to the most tremendous hullabaloo, it seems that Mrs Lord accustomed to a clandestine morning vape in the Library had discovered the missing liquids. Upon enquiring as to what had taken place the night before she had discovered that the gentlemen had only finished two bottles and that on retiring for the night four full bottles had remained.

Further questions had elicited the information that Smythe had been sent downstairs in disgrace with a soiled antimacassar and despite his strenuous denials, it was clear that as the only keyholder of the box of vaping elixirs, no other explanation as to their disappearance could be ascertained.

Smythe was asked to leave immediately despite his vociferous protestations of innocence and as I sat upstairs vaping on the last of the Kendal mint, chortling with glee whilst watching him from on high as he trudged forlornly down the drive.

Oh lord, do forgive me please, but Mrs Lord’s liquids were simply too divine,
to pass up some delicious vaping and revenge on Smythe the butling swine!

Despite my despicable acts or indeed perhaps because of them, who can be sure? Mrs Lord’s e liquids are now available online at: http://www.mrslord.co.uk so you don’t have to steal them, implicate innocent butlers or even listen to blathering bores.

Premium European E liquid – Halcyon Haze

Halcyon Haze

London, love it or loathe it, is undeniably a world city, a mover and shaker in the financial markets, fashion, music and style and more recently e liquid.

I confess I have always had a love, hate relationship with this city or better yet this collection of hamlets that has grown and grown, far eclipsing its Roman roots.

It was a cold and wet Autumnal day when I stumbled across a little shop in Camden, I had been asked to deliver a selection of samples to a possible new account and after an hour of discussing our latest products, I left with a thumping headache and an infuriatingly small purchase order.

To make matters worse I was running out of juice and my tank was almost empty, passing a row of rather smart shops whilst trying to shelter from a passing shower of oiks, I came across a tiny B&M whose name sadly escapes me. I quickly ducked inside and was greeted warmly by a very fashionably dressed young man who politely asked if he could help me.

I explained my needs and ventured that perhaps I should like to try something new, something a little different, something subtle and distinct from the run of the mill blandishments that so many vendors seem to stock these days.

He asked if I had time to try a new line, made here in London, with 5 complex, layered flavours, sure to confound even the most inquisitive and discerning of palates.

Tempted by this invitation and let’s be honest here, it would have been rude not to at least sample his wares. I sat down explaining that I had finished for the day and that nothing would please me more than to sample some of these intriguing e liquids but that I would need a drink first, as I had a terrible headache on top of everything else.

He turned and placed a teapot on the counter beside me and proceeded to pour me a most refreshing cup of Lapsang souchong or was it Oolong, I’m afraid I don’t remember rightly. My headache cleared and we commenced a tasting session that was to try every ounce of my grey matter. Luckily I took some brief tasting notes of the various liquids, although I must stress every time I vape these liquids they seem to subtly change, either reflecting the aging process, the oxidation or simply what I like to call the vapers conundrum.

First up was a dry tobacco of sorts, Turkish, but in a good way, it’s known as Earth Brother it had a mild and earthy taste yet sweet, Demerara sugar with a spicy undertone and a throat hit like a good jazz cigarette yet thankfully without the worry of a visit from the local constabulary. A good all day vape and a must have, if after a tipple or two in your local hostelry you are occasionally tempted by your evil friends that still consume tobacco.

Another cup of tea later, as my throat did still feel a little dry, the young man presented me with a tank full of Venus in Vapes, a totally different flavour like a continental apple dessert full of strange and unusual ingredients yet still faintly recognisable. I must say that it took almost the full tank to hazard a guesstimate as to what was inside after the initial anise. Think roasted cooking apples, quickly flambéed and topped off with a dollop of custard, all served by a young lady in a Dirndl.

Next up came a juice known a Sweet Prudence, which to me sounded like a ex puritan burlesque dancer from a cabaret your mother would not approve of, but would secretly love to see in action, weather permitting. Think vanilla with some top shelf honey drizzled all over and something else, perhaps a hint of citrus, I am not quite sure? Sweet, a more dessert style of vape. Almost too subtle to really get your tongue around, like a good burlesque artiste… ahem …but I digress.

Then came Gins Addiction perhaps Sweet Prudences’ naughty older sister who had been kicked out of home at a young age and had spent entirely too much time in Paris, somewhere near the Pigalle and up the hill towards Montmartre, if you must ask. A belting gin cocktail, with hints of the green fairy, squeezed lemon, wild mint / menthol and blackcurrant. Think of the kind of girl who knows everybody and always gets what she wants regardless of the consequences. A late night vape, to be handled with extreme care.

I must confess I felt a little buzzed and needed another cup of tea to calm my tingling tonsils before sampling the last liquid. It was called Northern Lights and it lived up to its name. Heady stuff indeed, it reminded me of the time I woke up naked in the snow after a late night sauna session with a lovely Finnish barmaid in Helsinki. Who had insisted on making me more than one of her special house cocktails, consisting of: Salmiakki (liquorice vodka), Mintuu (mint liqueur) and grape juice. This marvellous e juice tastes extraordinarily similar, uncanny really but without the almighty hangover and the sensation of snow surrounding your unmentionables. A full flavoured juice, for adventurous ladies and gentlemen, good for day or evening vaping.

I bought them all at 6mg/ml of nicotine and continue to vape them regularly, their packaging is superb and for premium juices they all offer good value for money in my humble opinion. I can also confirm that due to their 60% PG and 40% VG ratio they produce a most satisfying throat hit and sufficient fog to hide a small army of pickpocketing urchins.

Rating:
All in all, a stolen sketch in pencil by Lucien Freud.

For more information, visit your local B&M and do take your time with the tasting, or get online and order them at: http://www.halcyonhaze.co.uk/